The First

fantastic image and idea. i must say i saw it happen more often than not during my own high school experience. i ended up in the group that panicked in that last summer before college and decided to take the first offer, whatever it was.

for me it happened to be my first boyfriend, but if i'd been using my head, i wouldn't have, and i would have had the wits to reject him on the grounds of his personality and other traits. i also would have dumped him at the end of summer instead of letting him drag me into the murk of drugs, alcohol, and cheating of his life... but i thought at the time it was what all girls went through. (where the 'good guys' were during this juncture, i didn't even have time to stop and figure out logically...) if i would have waited, it would have probably meant a lot more to me, and even have been enjoyable if it had been with a guy that truly cared about me and my comfort and fears/doubts over such a thing.

alas. i didn't. and i never really thought much of it until i was into my mid twenties, because so many young women had the same stories. it's frightening to think that so few of us had positive male role models whatsoever to know right from wrong.

i think of myself as normal for my generation. the saddest story i still shake my head over was that one of the women i grew up with actually was proud (and announced often in public) that she'd lost her virginity at 15 over a poker game she lost.

another in the same acquaintance-group had a bizarre habit of telling everyone she was pregnant (and by who, and a blow by blow account of the deed) as soon as she hit thirteen. to my knowledge, most never happened. the young boys were for the most part afraid of her, though those further into puberty took note. i really am still lost on why she'd have lied about such a thing, or why she needed to renew her story with a new boy every other week. i was not surprised when she did lose her virginity that it was to a local cop in his forties when she was still fifteen, and it goes without saying that she ended up in a very bizarre relationship with him during high school, when she moved on to other messes.

still to this day, what disturbs me most in both cases was their need to proudly relive them to the girls around them who were themselves disturbed, despite the fact that we were making less-than-intelligent choices ourselves.

when i've had time to address younger women, i've always told them not to 'just get it over with', because you'll regret it. not for moral reasons, per se, but because the man may not respect you for it; or they may likely just not give a damn that it's going to be extremely painful for you while for him, even the first time is wonderful; or, after you get your heartbroken the first few times by men that leave after being unable to find a way to get you into bed, you'll find a boyfriend that you WILL want to remember your first time with, because you've both built something beyond infatuation.